dijous, de maig 12, 2005

Strange Days (English / Welsh / Cornish / Spanish / French / German)

I can't remember a springtime like this one. I have never felt so conflicted, so exhausted, in such wanting for a rest. It is true, I'm not getting any younger. Still, I don't think my advancing years have all that much to do with my estado de ánimo; estoy agobiado, quemado. Necesito cargar las pilas, pero no creo que se pase tan facilmente.

These days everywhere I turn, there are people imploding emotionally, at least it seems that way. Sometimes there are valid reasons for their emotional malaise, but other times it's just selfishness, in the French sense of égotisme.

I have always looked forward to spring, and it has always made my heart light. With the exception of that one spring 11 years ago when my aunt Arwilda died, every spring I can remember has represented release, rebirth, renewal. Yet this spring is replete with depression, bouleversements, disease, rampant worry and sadness. I am the owner of some these, but so many people around me seem also to be similary affected. What ill has overtaken us? Are our collective biorythms all ebbing low? What an inconvenient timing for such a theoretical convergence.

What follows is a list of some of the primary instigators of my woe. This list just serves as a written attempt at catharsis and does not imply blame unless expressly mentioned.

B: B is probably the primary source of my anxiety these days. He is a friend, a colleague, a mentor. He was the first person to extend a hand of genuine friendship to me at FM when I arrived. In those days the power structure of the old "feudal" system that ran everything in the two counties was still very much in place, and it was hard learning to navigate the social labrynth; stepping on snakes' tails was easily done and the pit of vipers was rabid. I survived my early years there in no small part thanks to early friends I made, B being the oldest and chiefest of them. Now B is very very ill. I've been running some small errands for him, and luckily they, in of themselves, have not been a burden. Altho still at home, his condition is very serious; he has some sort of blockage in his pancreas and is jaundiced and weak. It is hard for me to look at him, not only because his illness, and it's hard to see anyone you like suffering, but because it makes me think of my aunt Arwilda and Nutchie, both of whom died of pancreatic cancer. It seems so soon to have watch someone suffer that again. If he does have cancer, I will have to witness once again.

Ha den pur drist yu B. Yma ev ow beo yn flat yn unnek. Mae'r lle yn wag gan mwyaf, dim ond hen baburau sydd yn gorwedd o gwmpas y lle mewn tyrfau. Does dim llawer o ddodrefn yn y lle, a dim o gelf. Dwi ddim yn gallu bod yn sicr, ond rwyf yn credi rwan mod i wedi gweld ei gartref fod dirgel-ddyn ei galon mor dirst a mor wag â'r llety.

J: J has totally dropped of the radar. Let me add him to one more of my utter and ludicrous failures. This is is totally my fault. I have to stop starting relationships with people when I can't follow through with them. I was a jerk, and so now I suffer. J also represents another sad realization that I have had. Termmyn coth yu dhe dherbyn ow vewnans avel yma ev, yn unnek, hep dhen dhe gara, ha ow gara vy. Yma'n hunros wosa marow. Tus yu dhe gysi, nyns dhe gara, tybyav...

End of Semester: The students reek with desperation, anxiety, fear. The end of the semester is hwerw hweg. Thankfully the last day of classes is tomorrow, so there will be more hweg than hwerw.

JA: JA is a friend of the family. I have known his wife for my whole life, and him for most of it. I'm very fond of them both. He has been laid low with esophageal cancer and has had his esophagus removed, replaced with a section of his intestines. The operation was not wholly successful and must be repeated in August. He was a strong and active man, and is now crippled, weak, and always in danger of getting an infection and dying.

M: M is another colleague of whom I'm fond, and she claims to be going through a midlife crisis. She claims all she wants to do is pick up and leave it all behind. She is otherwise a positive and helpful person in my life, but I've seen that look before. She might. The thought of that worries me.

TG: TG has become a real thorn in my side, again. She gets annoyed over the strangest and smallest things. Currently she is berating me for my tone of voice on the phone when I told her I was very busy. In TG's world I'm not allowed to use "tones." In TG's world everyone must conform to her gestallt. If you don't, she will make you pay by constantly reminding you how much you upset her by disappointing her. She is also on a balliwick about my not calling her on the phone. I call basically no one on the phone, least of all for long conversations. Nonetheless, now I must call her at some relatively near point in the future to assuage her bruised feelings. TG is one of the ones who expects too much of me. In particular she expects me to be just like her in my attitude; this is largely because we do share many of the same opinions. Nonetheless, I am not the ironwilled tin-pot despot that she is.

The Ones Who Expect Too Much of Me: This is very nearly everyone I know with the exception of a view people. Generally I'm predictable, level - keeping the disgyl yn wastad, the dish level, as the Welsh say. Woe to me when I am not. I'm told I'm irritable, stubborn, cranky, irrational. Since when has it been written that I am not allowed to have emotions? Given the amount of others' emotions I'm forved to endure and sop up on a regular basis, should I get the chance to express, the most socially graceful way I can muster, a negative emotion? Must I only express myself in my Blog? According to most of my friends, yes. They seem to have relatively little patience for my relatively meek emotional outbursts - they're far too busy expressing theirs....